“At Least You Have Your Education”

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Those were the words that came out of my mom’s mouth when I told her I was over baby showers. The truth is I am sick of going to other people’s baby showers. They’re all the same; food, music, games, and watching the mother open gifts. Don’t get me wrong, I love my “friends”, but, I am sick of always giving lots and not receiving much in return. My friend had her baby shower in September and gave birth on Thursday. The baby was due at the end of the month but she came early. I am happy for her because she never thought she’d be in that position, hell, she never thought she’d be in that position. She is in her late 30s, never married, and college educated. Though she and the father are not married, they have been together for four years. We all worked together. She was and sometimes still is a bit of an overachiever. She is also very quiet, intelligent (book and streets), and will tell it like it is. Since I’ve known her, she hasn’t ever been the girly girl, but she is not a tomboy either. She is always a giver; she will be the first person to volunteer for an organization that our company sponsor’s. The reason I am telling you this is because a lot of what I see in her is me. I am very quiet (reserved), smart (mostly book), given, and stuck in between girly girl and tomboy; see previous post here. I think she is one of those women who were probably passed up for more superficial reasons than valid ones. Actually, I know she was because she told me. It may have taken her a while to find true love and hopefully she has finally found it in him.

Okay, the truth, I am sick of it not being me. As much as I may not want to admit it to myself or anyone else, I would like to have a child of my own. I don’t need lots of children, I’d be happy with just one. I don’t actually tell people this, but, I do have a soft spot for kids. The first thing I wanted to do as a child was become a teacher. That dream has never died and I will be pursuing that in the very near future. I like kids and think they can be precious and monsters at the same time. I’m probably the last person that my “friends” would ever expect to get married and have children. I know this because they tell me this, hell, even my brother feels this way. I have no one to blame for these biases but myself. I tend to tell them that I am not getting married or having children, but that is coming from a place of rejection. Anyway, yes I want that, but, it’s not so easy for me; please see previous post here. It never has been easy for me and it never will be. I’ve learned a long time ago that just because you are book smart and do all the right things doesn’t guarantee you a place in a wedding dress. Yes, I have an education and I can take care of myself, but sometimes it would be nice to receive or have someone take care of me every once in a while. I’m already quickly approaching 27 and I don’t want to be having my first child when I am 36. Nothing wrong with that, but, I don’t want that to be me. I gave myself a deadline, 30 is the official cut off, after 30 I will start looking into adoption. I know I shouldn’t give myself a time frame but I had to. I pretty much only have three years left and I know those years will fly by in an instant.

You may see it as giving up, but I see it is as me being sick of trying. I actually do try, not as much as I did when I was in my early twenties, but I do.

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4 thoughts on ““At Least You Have Your Education”

  1. You’re absolutely right – you shouldn’t give yourself a time frame. The plan God has for you will likely surpass the plan your have for yourself. I understand why you’ve applied a deadline, as I don’t want to be pregnant (again) after 30, and I’m 29! 30 is young and in 3 years your entire life could change drastically! Enjoy

    • I can’t honestly say that I believe there is someone/something out there that has a plan for me besides myself. Yes, my plan may not work out but, the first and only time I was ever in a relationship was when I was 14, so it’s hard for me to say that their is someone/something out there with a plan for me.

  2. I think the time frame is fine. My deadline was actually 27 but I guess I didn’t really take it seriously—I really thought things would work out by then. If I had truly known that I would still be alone 3 years PAST my deadline, I wouldve made sure to have my finances right by then and taken my reproductive matters into my own hands by now.

    It’s easy for people to say, “Just wait” and presume FOR you that someone will show up and things will work out. But if it hasn’t come close in all these years,how do you know things will change.

    Most people have babies in their 20s and everybody doesn’t want to be having their first kid at 40. I know I don’t.

    • I thought I’d be married by 25 and have my first child by 28. That was my plan, but of course that plan never happened. I just can’t continue to wait for something that isn’t promised to anyone. I want to be married, but I am not going to marry just anyone. I want to have a child, but if marriage doesn’t come then I am going to have a child whether IVF or adoption. In a perfect world I’d have both, but my world is not so perfect and I would like to have just one if I can’t have the other.

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