Those were the words that came out of my mom’s mouth when I told her I was over baby showers. The truth is I am sick of going to other people’s baby showers. They’re all the same; food, music, games, and watching the mother open gifts. Don’t get me wrong, I love my “friends”, but, I am sick of always giving lots and not receiving much in return. My friend had her baby shower in September and gave birth on Thursday. The baby was due at the end of the month but she came early. I am happy for her because she never thought she’d be in that position, hell, she never thought she’d be in that position. She is in her late 30s, never married, and college educated. Though she and the father are not married, they have been together for four years. We all worked together. She was and sometimes still is a bit of an overachiever. She is also very quiet, intelligent (book and streets), and will tell it like it is. Since I’ve known her, she hasn’t ever been the girly girl, but she is not a tomboy either. She is always a giver; she will be the first person to volunteer for an organization that our company sponsor’s. The reason I am telling you this is because a lot of what I see in her is me. I am very quiet (reserved), smart (mostly book), given, and stuck in between girly girl and tomboy; see previous post here. I think she is one of those women who were probably passed up for more superficial reasons than valid ones. Actually, I know she was because she told me. It may have taken her a while to find true love and hopefully she has finally found it in him.
Okay, the truth, I am sick of it not being me. As much as I may not want to admit it to myself or anyone else, I would like to have a child of my own. I don’t need lots of children, I’d be happy with just one. I don’t actually tell people this, but, I do have a soft spot for kids. The first thing I wanted to do as a child was become a teacher. That dream has never died and I will be pursuing that in the very near future. I like kids and think they can be precious and monsters at the same time. I’m probably the last person that my “friends” would ever expect to get married and have children. I know this because they tell me this, hell, even my brother feels this way. I have no one to blame for these biases but myself. I tend to tell them that I am not getting married or having children, but that is coming from a place of rejection. Anyway, yes I want that, but, it’s not so easy for me; please see previous post here. It never has been easy for me and it never will be. I’ve learned a long time ago that just because you are book smart and do all the right things doesn’t guarantee you a place in a wedding dress. Yes, I have an education and I can take care of myself, but sometimes it would be nice to receive or have someone take care of me every once in a while. I’m already quickly approaching 27 and I don’t want to be having my first child when I am 36. Nothing wrong with that, but, I don’t want that to be me. I gave myself a deadline, 30 is the official cut off, after 30 I will start looking into adoption. I know I shouldn’t give myself a time frame but I had to. I pretty much only have three years left and I know those years will fly by in an instant.
You may see it as giving up, but I see it is as me being sick of trying. I actually do try, not as much as I did when I was in my early twenties, but I do.